Wednesday, July 9, 2008
adding to the discussion
here's an interesting article from alternet.org which adds to the discussion in my last post. very interesting...
Thursday, July 3, 2008
That's Mis-Information to you...
Any Philadelphia history buff is bound to cringe when standing outside a landmark, hearing that mettle bird on wheels creep up behind you, tourists quacking and then hearing the most egregious information blaring from the loud speaker behind you. In fact, Sean Kelly of Eastern State Penitentiary has been known to heckle the trolleys rolling down Fairmount Ave. Then, our dorky knight in shining armour, Mayor Nutter, came along and tried to save us all. According to Oregon Live (as in on the other side of the country) "Mayor Michael Nutter signed the law in April amid concerns that some guides were perpetuating gross inaccuracies, including false claims that Benjamin Franklin had 69 illegitimate children and that three-time widow Betsy Ross killed her husbands." From the Dallas Morning News (yup, we made the news in Texas too) "City officials say they are trying to protect the history that brings millions of tourists to Philadelphia and generates billions of dollars in revenue every year. They don't want anyone leaving town believing that Ben Franklin stands atop City Hall (it's William Penn) or that homes were once taxed based on how wide they were."
All this seems totally reasonable, but three tour guides have decided to sue the city saying, according to the Kansas City News (and we made the news in Kansas City) that the law infringes on their right to free speech. I don't know about the rest of you, but i speak at my job, and I'm expected to dispense with accurate information and i don't feel like my rights are being trampled. in fact, i feel this expectation that i not make up whatever i may think is true seems like a pretty basic job requirement. However, in the interest of Freedom on this 4th of July weekend (written around 1772, i think) i bring you everything you ever wanted to know about Philadelphia from the Uncycopedia!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (archaic Greek for better than New York) is a large murder capital that was built on the ruins of another, much nicer city which was demolished by ancient Greek colonists in 1207. It is the home of the Philadelphia Iggles, the San Diego Padres and some other sports teams. And due to the horrible diction of its inhabitants, Philadelphia is the only place on Earth where you can enjoy a cheesesteak "wit" fried onions and wash it down with a nice, cold glass of "wooder".
(pictured: The majestic city of brotherly love, before and after the Greek liberation, circa 1209 )
Quaker Roots
Quakerism was founded by oat farmers in the fourteenth century as a callous marketing ploy.
A modern day Quaker in full ceremonial locks and anal beads
Throughout the Dark Ages, (1760-1772) a wave of religious pilgrims known as Quackers Quakers flew over from Europe seeking religious freedom. Although their American roots can be traced back to early Philadelphia, Quakers practiced throughout the United States in abandoned houses and Internet cafes. Quakeranity as it is now called, was founded on five basic principles:
5 Wives for every man
A healthy mullet
A steady diet of Oats and Barley
Freedom to practice religion in a horseless barn
Males allowed to wear Pantyhose and buckle shoes after 1st of May
Today, a more modern version of Quakeranity is practiced with updated garb and without all the animal sacrifices that were common in antiquity. Instead of hosiery, men now wear necklaces and bras. Instead of dresses, women wear burqas and bridles.
Philadelphia's Contributions to the World
Philadelphia's greatest contribution to the world is the Philly cheesesteak sandwich, which was invented by Benjamin Franklin in 1776 and tastes surprisingly transcendent. As the great Quaker influx of 1770 occurred, the hopes and dreams of better, tax-laden lives that the pilgrims carried with them were laced with Typhoid. This Typhoid ultimately caused an epidemic (Philadelphonia) that killed off much of the hamburger crop in late 1775 leading to widespread food shortage. On the brink of starvation and faced with the thought of only Quaker Oats to eat, a young Ben Franklin got an idea. Putting to bed for a while his stupid invention of electricity, he took the rotting remains of a diseased cow and sliced off a few thin slivers of beef from the steer's shaven underside using a simple edged dagger. Combining this with Cheese Whiz he purchased from the local ACME and wagon axle grease, he stuffed the concoction into a roll from the local breadmaker, Ferdinand Donovan Amoroso, thus creating the first "Cheesesteak". Much earlier debate regarding Franklin's greatest invention ever ultimately led to his beatification in 1982.
Benjamin Franklin was by far the greatest thing that has ever happened to Philadelphia. In fact, he is the only thing that has ever happened in Philadelphia. A true renaissance man, he is rightfully credited with every single thing ever created in Philadelphia. Adding to his impressive aforementioned list of achievements, Ben Franklin invented the typewriter, Delaware, condoms (his active sexual life made it difficult for him to retain all his magic sperm, which is rumored to have super powers), scrapple (traditional Philly meal made of scraps of meat), crapple (traditional Philly meal made of pieces of crap; the only food an average Philadelphia resident can afford), lightning (which he sold to Zeus in return for being able to fuck Aphrodite at any time he pleases) and a long list of other monumental shit. Franklin even invented crack cocaine, which he showed to Thomas Jefferson some time in early summer of 1776. After smoking rocks for a few weeks, Franklin and Jefferson had determined that the British suck monkey balls and need to get their bitch asses kicked. They decided to store the remainder of the stash in the bell of a local synagogue, which has since become a city landmark. In fact, Benjamin Franklin has done so much work for his believed city that since his times no one in Philadelphia has ever bothered to do any work whatsoever. As of today, the city's employment hovers at around 5%, an unusually high figure that has not been seen for decades. Philadelphia residents honor their great benefactor by snorting crack, which has since become the city's favorite pastime and has been chosen as Pennsylvania's State Bird.
Politics
The Philadelphia City Charter, adopted in 1957, sets forth the terms upon which the city's government is structured. The government is headed by a Mayor, and other branches of the city government include the city council, the Eagles court, the [Department of Licenses, Bribes, Permits and Graft], and the City Ombudsman. Prior to 1998, the City Charter specified that only members of the Democratic Party were eligible to hold office in city government; following a legal challenge to this rule, the charter was amended to also permit members of other parties to hold office, as long as the officeholder is dead.
Law enforcement
Main article: Philadelphia Police Department
Sports
The menacing "Herbert Mullet" glowering down upon the peaceful city.
Around some time before today, Philadelphia was a glorious sports town. For a span of 400 years (1900 to 1983), Philadelphia sports and recreation teams dominated all sports throughout the United States as well as the universe. The big four sports leagues, Football, Baseball, and the other two were controlled solely by Philly based organizations and clubs. Even the Women's 4x400 crocheting national ReallySuper Championship was won by the Philadelphia Phingers in their first year. Throughout the late 1970's and early 1980's, Philadelphia teams won consistently and made it boring for citizens to live life. The Mayor decided to invoke an ancient curse placed on the city by it's founder, William Penn. Known for his eccentric Mullet, Penn declared "...that no building shall contain a mullet taller than mine lest all sports dominance shall be relinquished forever."
In 1983, the last year in which one of the teams won a national championship, Mayor "Electric Jack" McMaster, possibly drunk on power and kitten huffing, erected the Comcrap Building and placed his own youthful likeness atop it. In a sick twist of genious, he proceeded to purchase all of the local sports teams through Comcrap Enterprises and exclusively televise the teams through their own television station. These fateful actions effectively sealed the fate of Philadelphia sports teams' fate FOREVER. Not only had the now superior Mullet cast a virtual and actual shadow on William Penn's glistening locks, but all of Philadelphia was doomed to view the disappointing sporting events on Comcrap until the end of time. Philadelphia is also the US capital of the sport of kiddy fiddling, due to short sighted child molesters looking for books on "Paedophelia" incorrectly identifying "Philadelphia" travel books as such.
Philadelphia has always stunk in sports with the exception of the National Hockey League's Flyers. They are a once-proud franchise which, due mainly to terrible player management decisions stretching back over a decade -- signing John Vanbiesbrouck instead of Curtis Joseph, for example -- by a over-concussed former Captain, has been reduced to somewhat of a laughingstock. ("A keeper, a keeper; my kingdom for a keeper!") Of course, even The Beezer would have been preferable to the tandem of Snow & Hextall . . .
The NFL's Eagles franchise was, for a time, the proud employer of perennial sportsmanship exemplar Terrell Owens. Owens brought many a smile to both teammates & fans alike, but has chosen to drag his Roadshow of Harmony to Texas where he plans on having a hot chick explain why he has 25,000,000 reasons to never attempt suicide.
The Philadelphia Phillies, the city's major league baseball team, achieved in 2007 the distinction of having lost 10,000 games in its franchise history. A radio station even commemorated the loses by dropping 10,000 marbles down the Rocky steps. The Phillies accomplished this through over a century of mediocrity, including losing games in which the team did not even play. Notable losses include nearly every important game in the 1964 season, the 1983 World Series, the 1993 World Series and the 2007 Preakness.
In addition to crappy sports teams, Philadelphia has absolute lunatics for sports fans. Rather than admit the obvious fact that the Philly sports owners care far more about exploiting the fan loyalty and stuffing their own pockets than actually winning anything, the fans stick with the teams for fear of losing their friends, but still have subconscious knowledge of the above. As a result they beat up fans of other teams in the manner of closeted and tortured homosexuals beating up flamers to look more heterosexual. Philadelphia sports fans are not always obnoxious. For example, in 1968 they made a heroic statement against the increasing commercialization and consumerism of Christmas by throwing snowballs at a man dressed up as Santa Claus.
Prominent Citizens
Rocky - Ralph "Rocky" Balboa (born 1944) is an American boxer who intermittently held the heavyweight boxing title over a ten-year period beginning in 1976. He was immortalized through a series of film documentaries, which chronicled his inside- and outside-the-ring trials. Balboa is famous for his bulldog tenacity, fighting with lots of heart, and sweaty training montages overdubbed with Christopher Cross hits.
Kevin Bacon - Philadelphia is the birthplace of Kevin Bacon, who was in Animal House with John Belushi, who overdosed in the fetal position at the Chateau Marmont Hotel, modeled after the Chateau Amboise in France, which was the home of Mary, Queen of Scotch, a whisky made from water and barley, which were both created by God. Hence, Philadelphia is God’s favourite city.
M. Night Shazamalone is the writer, director and producer of the most brilliant and blatant rip-offs of Alfred Hitchcock ever set to film. These include The Sixth Cent (the movie about that boy who sees dead Presidents on his pocket change and has a big twist at the end), Unwatchable (the movie featuring Bruce Willis as an emotionless android whose circuitry will malfunction if he gets wet, Samuel L. Jackson as an angry black man and a big twist at the end) and Sighs (in which Mel Gibson doesn't torture Jesus, Joaquin Phoenix isn't his more-talented-while-dead-brother River and a big twist surfaces at the end). M. Night Shyamalan was raised in the suburbs of Philadelphia and films all of his movies in the surrounding area. The big twist? We're not going to end with a joke.
Terrell Owens a giant crybaby that does not deserve to play for the NFL...hanceforth he is currently playing for the feminine Dallas Cowgirls.
The Mayor of Philadelphia is John Street. He is not a street as his name would imply, but a person. However, an actual street would probably do a better job running the city than this excuse for a mayor.
Tony Hawk can often be seen in downtown Philadelphia, in that one park with all the statues in it. He boardslides around on telephone lines and does manuals through the subway station instead of walking like a normal person. You can trip him, but you're gonna get hurt.
Aquaman is the most metrosexual member of the Justice League of America. A native of the posh Grays Ferry section of town, he ritually disbands himself once a year, on Groundhog Day.
Mike Rawch is the assistant work manager at Big Crauch's Homeware Depot.
That one homeless guy that bums you for change. Trust me, he's pretty prominent. And there's more than one of him. Much, much more. Usually African-American, though the Caucasian ones are usually even freakier-looking. Missing all or more teeth. Never satisfied with the money you give him.
Neighborhoods
Philadelphia is a city of neighborhoods. This may account for the racial violence that is exhibited from time to time.
Center City
Center City is home to many thriving shops.
If you want a smaller version of one of New York's many shopping districts than look no further! Clothing store after clothing store, you'll never have a problem finding clothes! This section of the city was once very rundown, however real estate is now booming and everyone wants condos! You know Liberty Tower, those two huge blue buildings synonymous with Philadelphia's skyline? They are built on the remains of a porn theatre. Liberty Tower is great for anyone who wants to buy clothes, or eat in a food court. Center City is now stigmatized as being a "rich neighborhood" because its been cleaned up a lot since the 1980s and everyone wants REAL ESTATE! The Rittenhouse Square area, for example, is extremely expensive. Fifteen years ago, Rittenhouse Square was a place you'd go if you had a fetish for being beaten up and mugged, or if you made a living panhandling while pretending to be disabled. Now, you go to Rittenhouse Square if you want to eat in an overpriced outdoor restaurant and sneer at people walking on your sidewalk. Damn pedestrians. The area is also popular for weird 20 year olds who stand around trying to get people to vote or join their commune. They'll ask your age and when you say that you aren't 18 they'll call bullshit and ask for the year you were born. Unless you're a math whiz, or actually are under 18, you won't be able to answer immediately because you'll be trying to calculate a year which works. When travelling around Center City it is best to have a year already planned in the back of your head.
Center City is a great place to visit if you like rich snobs, clothing stores, and large buildings. (NB - If you plan to stay longer than 20 minutes be sure sure to carry excessive amounts of cash with you because you will invariably be taxed or fined for something)
South Philadelphia
Have you ever watched The Sopranos and thought to yourself, "Wow it would be so awesome to be in the Mafia!" Well then head down to South Philly. Every single Italian stereotype is pulled from there, or Brooklyn, the Bronx, or North Jersey. Now you can be around authentic REAL Italians with tough accents! Imagine that! Yous all could be actin tuff in da neighborhood wit da fam'ly! Get some pizza and cheesesteaks to top it off! Get some "wooder" to wash it down! Your suburban WASP friends will never believe you. Home to a massive open-air market where you can buy, among other things, live goats.
Topics not suggested for discussion:
Italian ethnic slurs
(Your Favorite Team) is better than the Eagles.
Unions aren't all that great.
Have you ever watched any movies or music videos about gangstas and thought to yourself, "Wow it would be so awesome to be in a gang surrounded by daily violence!" Well then head down to South Philly west of Broad Street. You'll find too much of it. Point Breeze makes North Philly look like a nice suburban neighborhood in comparison.
Art Museum Area
This area includes the Art Museum. Look around for a bit, it looks a lot like a certain French city. The Parkway which leads all the way up to the Art Museum, is shamelessly ripped off of Paris' Champs-Élysées. Around the area are many other museums as well. Why is the area famous? For starters, Rocky immortalized it by running up the steps of the Art Museum. Also Live 8 was held there. Behind the Art Museum is the Schuylkill River, where people row and ride their bikes. Of course riding your bikes on the bike path next to the river is only recommended if you enjoy other cyclists who don't understand the concept of "family bike path" and how it differs from a "race." Also you may need to have a high tolerance for people who simply don't understand that the term "bike path" actually implies bikes are permitted to be ridden. If you plan to drive to Plymouth Meeting along a Skuylkill River highway, make sure it's not at quitting time on a Friday. Especially if your dad is driving you to a date that was just moved to the Plymouth Meeting Mall at the last second, but that was full so they moved it to the "great" northeast.
North Philadelphia
What's there to say about North Philadelphia? It successfully became synonymous with black people and it's now the area you don't want to park you car in or drive through at night all. Since Philadelphia police laugh hysterically when people get mugged, Temple University must maintain its own air force and army to protect its students from the hostile gang members. That's the city of Brotherly Love for you.
The typical North Philadelphia house has distinctive wooden boards over the windows, holes in the roof to let in the breeze in place of air conditioning (and guess what? There's no carbon footprint!), and has not been inhabited since the time when Sylvester Stalone was actually considered cool. And that's just North Philadelphia west of Broad St. You should see the scary neighborhood east of Broad St.
Kensington
Okay, I've lied. North Philadelphia is not only synonymous with black people. It is also synonymous with Irish people. Kensington Avenue (especially where it meets Alleghany Avenue) is a great place to pick up hookers. Or get shot. Watch out for the angry drunk Irishmen and Puerto Ricans there. Aren't we a great city? Stereotypes, sex and violence. In defense of North Philadelphia, those Center City minivan moms can get pretty violent as well. Along with those Mercedes driving rich guys who nearly hit me that one time because they don't understand the concept of a traffic light.
Fishtown
Originally named for the distinct rotten fish smell that permeates the area, Fishtown is now the "Up and Coming" neighborhood of Philadelphia. It's called that because when you get there, you're "coming up" on Kensington, and it's about time to turn around before you get shot. Fishtown strives to be Northern Liberties, a bustling neighborhood full of artists, bars, and empty blocks. In that respect, it's doing pretty well, except it doesn't have any artists. Until then, Fishtownies can continue to tell everyone how much it's "up and coming", because nobody will know they're lying, since nobody has any good reason to go to Fishtown anyway.
Port Richmond
The Little Poland of Philly.
Strawberry Mansion
The most misnamed place in all of creation. There is neither mansions nor strawberries here. This rough North Philly neighborhood only contains tears and fears.
City Hall and the Gallery
City Hall and the surrounding areas are a commonplace for everyone. Subways, people, everyone bustling around, it's one of those places where a lot of people end up. A lot of stores are around along with some hotels. The stores are generally Dunkin Donuts, department stores, jewelry stores, or stores which sell brands of clothing such as Rocawear and Sean Jean. Stolen, or fake jewelry is abundant on the street along with real jewelry in the stores. This area is also home to The Gallery, a big urban mall where it's common to hangout. Only instead of it being a hangout for suburban private school students, it's where public school students from all over come to gather. The Gallery, like most malls, drains you of your serotonin level when entered, but it is quickly regained when you realize you won't be around a bunch of annoying white, gothic, suburban, teenage mallrats. It also helps that there's a GameStop. This is also where Love Park is, you know the place where people skateboard. Or used to. The sport was killed by the government and the year 2000.
Many decry the fact that it was the MOVE cult headquarters that was bombed from the air and not the gallery. Current proposals to seal the Gallery an hour after school lets out and flood the entire building with nerve gas are being considered...but the city's already blown its budget for mass murder of its own citizens, so it's a distant shot.
Chinatown
The place where millions of Asians don't get the fuck out of your way.
Right nearby the Gallery and its surroundings is Chinatown. Philadelphia's Chinatown makes Denver's Chinatown look like St. Paul's Chinatown!! What makes Chinatown that good? Two words: Wing Wang's Peking Duck House (9th and Winter, right near the Vine St Expressway). Well that's five words but most people only refer to it as Sang Kee so you can keep your comments to yourself. Also it's just a cool place to get imported Asian things, Like syphilis. Or opium. Yay opium! Now with a booth in the Reading Terminal Market.
Chinatown is an excellent place to poison yourself because your drunk, incapable of making informed decisions regarding what you're eating and Chinatown has the only places open.
University City
Contrary to popular belief, University City does not actually exist. The area known as University City is just a small area of West Philly under the marketing spell of big-money educants. The main campuses of University of Pennsylvania and Drexel University are located here. There are a bunch of things you might expect to find at a college campus such as food courts, tennis courts, bookstores, and movie theatres. There is also a place where you can buy cereal, only cereal. Now that's clever and alternative enough to attract preppy college kids - oh and lets not forget the stoners who have the munchies and thick wallets!
West Philadelphia
Unique for having been bombed from the air by the city government in 1985 (this is actually true), West Philadelphia is famous for being the home of the University of Pennsylvania and the birthplace of Will Smith and Wilt Chamberlain. The local diet consists of halal, cheesesteaks, and babies. Visiting is not recommended due to a very high probability of getting shot, raped and murdered.
The Great Northeast
One can only assume that this "neighborhood" was named out of sarcasm. If you go out far enough, this looks like some run down blue collar suburb. But it isn't a blue collar suburb, it's the Northeast. It's a fun place to drive to if you feel like a nice one hour drive to somewhere not even outside of your own city. Otherwise known as the "N'East" by residents or ex-residents. The neighborhood is also known as "N'Easty", a word denoting a propensity for comfort with strip malls, bleak futures, row-homes, and winding, unnavigable roads.
Northeast Philadelphia frequently discusses breaking away from Philadelphia proper, making it the Quebec of Southeastern Pennsylvania.
The Northeast's primary product is boredom and a crippling inferiority complex regarding its relation to the rest of the city, i.e the parts someone gives a shit about.
The Northeast is also home to many, many upstanding policemen who were chosen to be among Philly's finest for their aptitude at being white guys from the Northeast.
Mt. Airy
Mount Airy is famous for being the third most Jewish place on Earth, and created quite a stir a few years back when it actually seceded from the union to join Israel. Famous for having fairly large, nice houses with two kitchen sinks, one for meat, one for dairy products. Home to a few nomadic tribes of black people. Also home to a trolley car diner, which is quite nice if you happen to be a connoisseur of deep-fried rat.
Germantown
Psssst--There are no Germans here! Yes, they were forced out when North Philadelphia invaded circa 1967. This neighborhood is one of the nicer residential options for black people, as it has a nice big park where people still occasionally come across skeletons and unexploded ordinance left over from the American Revolution. It is also home to those Jews who for whatever reason do not live in neighboring Mount Airy. Home to more Nation of Islam Mosques than Las Vegas is home to Casinos.
Chestnut Hill
The WASP capital this side of Nantucket. Chestnut Hill is home to several crazy old street people, many more wealthy alcoholics, gourmet dog food stores, bead shops, used record places, tiny family-owned grocery stores, coffee shops, and 97 places to cash a check. The rowhouses are all several centuries old, and the other houses are all the size of a small village.
Old City
Also spelled Olde City by pretentious mispellers, this is the area of Philadelphia where everything historical seems to have occured. Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell are located here. There are plenty of small shops, museums and historical sites to visit and a fun day can be had by all, old and young, in this area. Of course that was before the day would be spent waiting in more lines than Disneyland due to newfound security measures in place. Now it's just boring. There are horses though, with carriages. This is amazingly awesome the first time you see it. Then it's just another site, with the added bonus that it produces feces capable of being stepped in. The most famous resident is the legendary guy-who-dresses-up-as-Benjamin Franklin.
Society Hill
This is a fairly upper middle class neighborhood near Old City and The Gallery area. Its unnatural darkness at night, illuminated only by yellow street lamps is enough to give someone the creeps and haunt their dreams. Brick is the building material and mugging weapon of choice in this area. At the southern end of this district they have erected a gate ostensibly to keep out the residents of the rest of the city. The Inscription above the gate reads "Here thar be yuppies" in olde yuppish (latin).
South Street
What can be said about South Street? It's a place you can walk around and buy stuff. This is one of the only places in the city where you run a pretty low risk of getting shot and bumrushed, since the city's abundant deranged violent crackheads are scared off by local Starbucks, yoga shops, rastas, and all that other sissy stuff. Besides, the emo alternative goths or whatever the fuck are real wusses, despite their "badass" tattoos and collars and the rest of Hot Topic products. This relative safety ("relative" is as good as it gets anywhere in Philly) has resulted in making the place one of the city's most popular tourist destinations. Now your choices on items include tattoos, CDs, sex toys, wiccan paraphernilia, skateboards, alternative clothing, and yogic knick-knacks. At night you can get drunk at the bars, and meet beautiful women. It's Philadelphia's mainstream fauxhemian area. There is also frequent flashers, mooners, and sunners. South Street also has the city's highest concentration of cops, since here they are almost safe from being shot at, slept on, bitten and/or begged for change.
2nd Street
Also known as Two Street. If you call it 2nd street, you're a terrorist. Quite popular with out-of-towners for its convenient existence as I-95.
Unconventional traffic laws
Traffic "laws" in Philadelphia are the barest of guidelines. The drivers are so free spirited that every traffic light comes with printed instructions (Wait for Green). Pedestrians are fair game (but only in crosswalks anywhere on the road).
Drivers will either a) steadfastly refuse to turn right on a red signal (if you are behind them) or b) ignore the signal altogether and cruise right on through (if doing so would put them in your path). They might honk while doing this, so as you are crushed beneath the wheels of a 1992 Honda Accord with a smashed headlight and no muffler don't say you weren't warned.
The solid white lines that delimit the shoulder in most jurisdictions have a different meaning in the Philadelphia area. Here, they indicate convenient (possibly even paved) extensions of turning lanes (kids: check your mirrors before entering the real turning lane!), an extra passing lane to get around those pesky conformists during rush hour (3am to midnight), or the "thrill zone" where you can play "chicken" with merging traffic.
Road lines are only a reminder of the direction the road is going. Drivers are encouraged to drift across the road heedlessly in order to cut time from their trips.
Stop signs are optional. Rolling through stop signs at speeds of up to 20mph is called the South Philly Slide or Philly Roll.
Left turn lanes can be used as passing lanes when a light first turns green.
When traffic is backed up due to an accident, it is suggested that drivers use sidewalks as they see fit.
Roosevelt Boulevard, or "da bull'vard," is an every-man-for-himself free-for-all. You are encouraged to drive as fast as the laws of physics will allow and never stay in the same lane for more than 3.8 seconds. If you fail to drive in all six lanes in the direction you are going you are sent to driving hell, also commonly called Boston. Also, just because there are concrete islands dividing the six lanes in each direction does not mean you can't drive on them. If the boulevard is backed up and you find yourself in the middle lanes, you are encouraged to drive across the island to get to the outer lanes and attempt to circumvent said traffic jam, only to find yourself back on the boulevard a block further.
It's called Kelly Drive. Get over it.
Transportation
SEPTA
SEPTA (from Greek sēptikos, ‘rotten’; capitals officially endorsed for emphasis) is the public transportation system of Philadelphia. Their slogan has been 'Just Getting There' for 40+ years and there are no foreseeable plans to change it, as they are still just getting there. To where, well, not even they know. SEPTA also doubles as the city's sewer system.
SEPTA controls the city's homeless population, buses, trolleys, major business conglomerates, Man Man, subways, scrapple production, and some trains. SEPTA services usually travel at a decent walking pace. They have built their successful business on raising fares (fares have been known to increase during a trip, requiring an additional payment before they'll let you off unless they don't feel in the mood and just let you go without a word) and not stopping to pick up those pesky passengers. SEPTA passengers are commonly referred to as "mass murderers". SEPTA doesn't really exist other than in an alternate dimension as depicted in David Lynch's Dumbland. Often the punchline of the joke, "What's red, white, and blue and smells like black people?"
Most historians agree that SEPTA was created by Joseph Stalin in order to cripple America's industrial capacity.
Amtrak
Amtrak operates the Northeast Corridor, one of the busiest passenger rail services in the United States. It is by far the fastest and most efficient transportation service availible, but because of its insanely high prices, it is only used by rich people, tourists, and complete idiots. The concessions are so expensive, Amtrak stopped accepting dollars and now only excepts payments in lumps of gold. It costs one lump of gold to get bottled water, two and a half lumps of gold to get a hot dog, and six lumps of gold to get a sandwich which wasn't stepped on by a commuter. That's just the prices at 30th Street Station, and the prices on the trains are nearly triple! Amtrak releases the aroma of baked goods such as brownies and muffins into trains until passengers have no choice but to submit to the high prices. Thankfully, the train fares aren't anywhere as expensive as the food. Amtrak has recently unveiled its Price by Speed Plan, in which it charges 10$ for people to board its trains, then forces passengers to each pay another 10$ to go 5 miles per hour faster.
Soon, Amtrak will be unveiling its Price by Weight Plan, in which it will charge people extra money for being overweight. Amtrak will also include exercise bikes on its trains, which will help people lose weight and generate power for the train at the same time. The plan has attracted the attention of major airlines, which say they might implement the plan if it is successful.
Taxis
Taxis in Philadelphia are never there when you need one, but otherwise all around.. kind of like New York. Unlike New York, no prerecorded voice talks to you when you enter the cab, there is a 50% chance the driver won't have a prominently displayed cab driver certificate, there are no seat belts, and the meters are almost always rigged. Also, unlike New York, the taxis aren't prominent and yellow but come in all sorts of color schemes, each one resembling a police car more than actual Philly police cars do. This is done in order to create a stronger visual police presence in the city that could seriously use some more law enforcement.
Recently, credit cards were introduced as a method of payment in all medallion cabs. However, none of the credit card machines work. Experts believe this is the sole cause for Philadelphia's rapidly climbing murder rate.
An interesting phenomenon has developed where a taxi-passenger can have a developed conversation with a taxi-driver, for an extended period of time, but after asking the driver "can I use my credit card" the driver will astonishingly forget all but the mother tongue. Possibly related to taxi-drivers pronounced fear of paying taxes.
Timewarp
Old City is a section of Philadelphia that emulates the old days of the nation's birth canal, in labor (see Neighborhoods, above). By entering Old City, you are actually entering a timewarp. By travelling through time you can transend space by perambulating yourself into the future at another point. So if it's May 24th, 2006 and you enter Old City you go back to May 24th, 1770. Because of this you have 236 years to get wherever you are going, until you catch up with the future and time works normally again. However, this is still faster than taking SEPTA to the desired destination. Unfortuantly the only way out of Old City that doesn't send you back to current time/space is with horsedrawn carriages. The driver, as you travel through time on an intergalactic historical timeway, will describe everything of historical signifigance which can take almost 90% of the time available. Lunches should be packed.
Fun Facts
Post-Katrina New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin was quoted as saying, "Let me tell you something: Ya'll outa go to Philly, and you will appreciate how clean New Orleans is. Just go and walk around Philly a little bit, and you will appreciate - am I lying? You will appreciate New Orleans. We still have some work to do, but we definitely beat them by a long shot." Sadly, this is a true story.
Philadelphia-based pop duo Darryl Hall and John Oates consummated their relationship in a Temple University service elevator. This homosexually charged act inspired their hit single, Maneater.
For some reason, people live in Philadelphia. This is in spite of the fact that the air is not breathable by any living organisms, and the Starship Enterprise (D) lost the last four away teams that they sent there.
Philadelphia, unlike other Northeastern cities, has its own very odd climate, with two seasons: dead of winter and fucking hot. Winters are known to dump over 20 feet of snow on the city, which is especially liked by the penguins, but during summer, temperatures rise into the lower 500's. The penguins aren't happy about the fact that it isn't "dry heat" either.
Philadelphia was known world-wide as "The City of Brotherly Smells" until Chairman John Street changed the city's slogan to "The City That Shoves You Back, and then Ruins the City", most likely to distract the populace from any one of a number of pay-to-play scandals. The natural odor of Philadelphia is like that of partially-digested pizza, flavored with urine, multiplied through all possible dimensional overtones until it becomes, in effect, a universe of its own. The smell of the public transit system (appropriately called SEPTIC) is strong enough to melt time.
Bostonians are generally much less educated than Philadelphians. As well as sentence fragments.
Philadelphians are fuelled solely by various forms of grease siphoned from the excretions of cheesesteaks, scrapple, Tastykakes, Crown Fried Chicken, and the back alleys of Chinatown. Estimated daily usage is 15,000,000 tons of grease.
Philadelphia gave up its title of 'Fattest City' for the title of 'City With Highest Murder Rate.'
The Schuylkill Expressway is known as the world's largest parking lot.
Most Philadelphians refer to the subway as the el.
It is believed that when Sun Ra died, his spirit was divided and scattered about the streets during the night, allowing for the city's homeless population to feed upon the pieces and become the race of psychotics most of them are today.
People to move in with if things don't go well in Philadelphia
Your Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air
The Denver Nuggets
The Detroit Pistons
The Dallas Cowboys
The St. Louis Cardinals and then the Toronto Blue Jays
The Phoenix Suns
The New York Mets
The Jacksonville Jaguars
Metropolitan area
Camden, New Jersey
As abyssmally shitty as North and West Philly may be, Camden, which is directly across the Delaware from Philly, out-sucks Philadelphia by being essentially an entire city consisting of nothing but The Hood. Venturing outside the Camden Green Zone is NOT recommended. Camden's government, which is comparable to that of Venezuela or Nigeria, consists entirely of suspected crime bosses and drug cartels. They get reelected by bribing police to arrest anyone who opposes them, and teaching propaganda in schools. The average life expectancy in Camden is on par with Darfur, Haiti, and the nastier parts of Alabama.
It's rumored that Camden was built so Philadelphia had some place to look down on however this cannot be verified due to the fact that Camdens City Fathers are actually deadbeat dads and cannot be located.
Wilmington, Delaware
If you thought Delawarte had nothing but a bunch of rednecks and hillbillies, you're totally wrong! Delaware also has black people, and many of them live in Wilmington. Wilmington can be accessed by SEPTA regional rail, but since the service is so darn slow, passengers from Philadelphia usually die of boredom from sitting in the train long before they reach Wilmington.
The Main Line
The buildings are less run-down in suburban areas.This is where the city meets the suburbs. When you cross over to suburbia, be prepared for a total drop in serotonin levels. This is the realm of the American middle class zombie. Why would people live in such depressing conditions? The theory is that they've lived there so long that they cannot escape it's sugarcoated grasp. However it is doubtful that they enjoy it any more than outsiders due to the large amount of drug consumption. Watch out for:
Lacrosse moms
Bumper stickers proclaiming My Episcopal and or Jewish honor student has a higher SAT score than your Episcopal and or Jewish honor student
Parents with pseudo-liberal views who love minorities but would never send their kid to a school with one
Limos
Businesses that claim to be "a target" but clearly have no affiliation with the superstore
Three movie theaters that nobody goes to
A giant white cross, possibly representative of the skin color of the locals
Use of "rich kid" drugs such as cocaine and American Express Black Cards.
Parental denial of drug and alcohol usage and unnatural fear of urban environment due to rumored marijuana usage and minorities
French Nannies
Lawns
Severe depression
People who go to Haverford and Bryn Mawr.
Lancaster
Thar be Amish here! The highways have low speed limits and designated lanes for horse-and-buggies. If you wish to travel through this county, a solid grasp of German is highly recommended. (If you manage to communicate successfully with the Amish, you can expect unspeakably good pretzels and PA Dutch poontang :D
Delco and Chester city
A mostly blue collar county just southwest of the city, Delaware County is slightly depressing. From the working class, middle class, and blue collar towns like Upper Darby, Springfield, and Ridley, to the straight-up 'hood city of Chester (which is probably worse than North Philly as far as murder per population) to the somewhere in-between town of Darby, Delaware County isn't exactly one of the most prestigious "suburbs." People in Delco are the ones who built the houses in the MontCo and Chester County and the rest of the Main Line. However, Delco has its perks. It's a brotherly sort of place, and there's a 43:1 ratio when it comes to bars to librarys. Future site of the Philadelphia soccer team.
I take no responsibility for the content listed above. I like to think i'm excersizing my right to free speech on the blogosphere. if you are offended by or think any of the above is not funny (i already did a little editing) go fix it.
All in all, our tour guide's law suit was covered in newspapers all across the country. On the bright side, at least we're in the news for something other than our murder rate.
In next weeks installment, look for insider information on the engagement of Ben Franklin to Betsy Ross.
All this seems totally reasonable, but three tour guides have decided to sue the city saying, according to the Kansas City News (and we made the news in Kansas City) that the law infringes on their right to free speech. I don't know about the rest of you, but i speak at my job, and I'm expected to dispense with accurate information and i don't feel like my rights are being trampled. in fact, i feel this expectation that i not make up whatever i may think is true seems like a pretty basic job requirement. However, in the interest of Freedom on this 4th of July weekend (written around 1772, i think) i bring you everything you ever wanted to know about Philadelphia from the Uncycopedia!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (archaic Greek for better than New York) is a large murder capital that was built on the ruins of another, much nicer city which was demolished by ancient Greek colonists in 1207. It is the home of the Philadelphia Iggles, the San Diego Padres and some other sports teams. And due to the horrible diction of its inhabitants, Philadelphia is the only place on Earth where you can enjoy a cheesesteak "wit" fried onions and wash it down with a nice, cold glass of "wooder".
(pictured: The majestic city of brotherly love, before and after the Greek liberation, circa 1209 )
Quaker Roots
Quakerism was founded by oat farmers in the fourteenth century as a callous marketing ploy.
A modern day Quaker in full ceremonial locks and anal beads
Throughout the Dark Ages, (1760-1772) a wave of religious pilgrims known as Quackers Quakers flew over from Europe seeking religious freedom. Although their American roots can be traced back to early Philadelphia, Quakers practiced throughout the United States in abandoned houses and Internet cafes. Quakeranity as it is now called, was founded on five basic principles:5 Wives for every man
A healthy mullet
A steady diet of Oats and Barley
Freedom to practice religion in a horseless barn
Males allowed to wear Pantyhose and buckle shoes after 1st of May
Today, a more modern version of Quakeranity is practiced with updated garb and without all the animal sacrifices that were common in antiquity. Instead of hosiery, men now wear necklaces and bras. Instead of dresses, women wear burqas and bridles.
Philadelphia's Contributions to the World
Philadelphia's greatest contribution to the world is the Philly cheesesteak sandwich, which was invented by Benjamin Franklin in 1776 and tastes surprisingly transcendent. As the great Quaker influx of 1770 occurred, the hopes and dreams of better, tax-laden lives that the pilgrims carried with them were laced with Typhoid. This Typhoid ultimately caused an epidemic (Philadelphonia) that killed off much of the hamburger crop in late 1775 leading to widespread food shortage. On the brink of starvation and faced with the thought of only Quaker Oats to eat, a young Ben Franklin got an idea. Putting to bed for a while his stupid invention of electricity, he took the rotting remains of a diseased cow and sliced off a few thin slivers of beef from the steer's shaven underside using a simple edged dagger. Combining this with Cheese Whiz he purchased from the local ACME and wagon axle grease, he stuffed the concoction into a roll from the local breadmaker, Ferdinand Donovan Amoroso, thus creating the first "Cheesesteak". Much earlier debate regarding Franklin's greatest invention ever ultimately led to his beatification in 1982. Benjamin Franklin was by far the greatest thing that has ever happened to Philadelphia. In fact, he is the only thing that has ever happened in Philadelphia. A true renaissance man, he is rightfully credited with every single thing ever created in Philadelphia. Adding to his impressive aforementioned list of achievements, Ben Franklin invented the typewriter, Delaware, condoms (his active sexual life made it difficult for him to retain all his magic sperm, which is rumored to have super powers), scrapple (traditional Philly meal made of scraps of meat), crapple (traditional Philly meal made of pieces of crap; the only food an average Philadelphia resident can afford), lightning (which he sold to Zeus in return for being able to fuck Aphrodite at any time he pleases) and a long list of other monumental shit. Franklin even invented crack cocaine, which he showed to Thomas Jefferson some time in early summer of 1776. After smoking rocks for a few weeks, Franklin and Jefferson had determined that the British suck monkey balls and need to get their bitch asses kicked. They decided to store the remainder of the stash in the bell of a local synagogue, which has since become a city landmark. In fact, Benjamin Franklin has done so much work for his believed city that since his times no one in Philadelphia has ever bothered to do any work whatsoever. As of today, the city's employment hovers at around 5%, an unusually high figure that has not been seen for decades. Philadelphia residents honor their great benefactor by snorting crack, which has since become the city's favorite pastime and has been chosen as Pennsylvania's State Bird.
Politics
The Philadelphia City Charter, adopted in 1957, sets forth the terms upon which the city's government is structured. The government is headed by a Mayor, and other branches of the city government include the city council, the Eagles court, the [Department of Licenses, Bribes, Permits and Graft], and the City Ombudsman. Prior to 1998, the City Charter specified that only members of the Democratic Party were eligible to hold office in city government; following a legal challenge to this rule, the charter was amended to also permit members of other parties to hold office, as long as the officeholder is dead.
Law enforcement
Main article: Philadelphia Police Department
Sports
The menacing "Herbert Mullet" glowering down upon the peaceful city.Around some time before today, Philadelphia was a glorious sports town. For a span of 400 years (1900 to 1983), Philadelphia sports and recreation teams dominated all sports throughout the United States as well as the universe. The big four sports leagues, Football, Baseball, and the other two were controlled solely by Philly based organizations and clubs. Even the Women's 4x400 crocheting national ReallySuper Championship was won by the Philadelphia Phingers in their first year. Throughout the late 1970's and early 1980's, Philadelphia teams won consistently and made it boring for citizens to live life. The Mayor decided to invoke an ancient curse placed on the city by it's founder, William Penn. Known for his eccentric Mullet, Penn declared "...that no building shall contain a mullet taller than mine lest all sports dominance shall be relinquished forever."
In 1983, the last year in which one of the teams won a national championship, Mayor "Electric Jack" McMaster, possibly drunk on power and kitten huffing, erected the Comcrap Building and placed his own youthful likeness atop it. In a sick twist of genious, he proceeded to purchase all of the local sports teams through Comcrap Enterprises and exclusively televise the teams through their own television station. These fateful actions effectively sealed the fate of Philadelphia sports teams' fate FOREVER. Not only had the now superior Mullet cast a virtual and actual shadow on William Penn's glistening locks, but all of Philadelphia was doomed to view the disappointing sporting events on Comcrap until the end of time. Philadelphia is also the US capital of the sport of kiddy fiddling, due to short sighted child molesters looking for books on "Paedophelia" incorrectly identifying "Philadelphia" travel books as such.
Philadelphia has always stunk in sports with the exception of the National Hockey League's Flyers. They are a once-proud franchise which, due mainly to terrible player management decisions stretching back over a decade -- signing John Vanbiesbrouck instead of Curtis Joseph, for example -- by a over-concussed former Captain, has been reduced to somewhat of a laughingstock. ("A keeper, a keeper; my kingdom for a keeper!") Of course, even The Beezer would have been preferable to the tandem of Snow & Hextall . . .
The NFL's Eagles franchise was, for a time, the proud employer of perennial sportsmanship exemplar Terrell Owens. Owens brought many a smile to both teammates & fans alike, but has chosen to drag his Roadshow of Harmony to Texas where he plans on having a hot chick explain why he has 25,000,000 reasons to never attempt suicide.
The Philadelphia Phillies, the city's major league baseball team, achieved in 2007 the distinction of having lost 10,000 games in its franchise history. A radio station even commemorated the loses by dropping 10,000 marbles down the Rocky steps. The Phillies accomplished this through over a century of mediocrity, including losing games in which the team did not even play. Notable losses include nearly every important game in the 1964 season, the 1983 World Series, the 1993 World Series and the 2007 Preakness.
In addition to crappy sports teams, Philadelphia has absolute lunatics for sports fans. Rather than admit the obvious fact that the Philly sports owners care far more about exploiting the fan loyalty and stuffing their own pockets than actually winning anything, the fans stick with the teams for fear of losing their friends, but still have subconscious knowledge of the above. As a result they beat up fans of other teams in the manner of closeted and tortured homosexuals beating up flamers to look more heterosexual. Philadelphia sports fans are not always obnoxious. For example, in 1968 they made a heroic statement against the increasing commercialization and consumerism of Christmas by throwing snowballs at a man dressed up as Santa Claus.
Prominent Citizens
Rocky - Ralph "Rocky" Balboa (born 1944) is an American boxer who intermittently held the heavyweight boxing title over a ten-year period beginning in 1976. He was immortalized through a series of film documentaries, which chronicled his inside- and outside-the-ring trials. Balboa is famous for his bulldog tenacity, fighting with lots of heart, and sweaty training montages overdubbed with Christopher Cross hits.
Kevin Bacon - Philadelphia is the birthplace of Kevin Bacon, who was in Animal House with John Belushi, who overdosed in the fetal position at the Chateau Marmont Hotel, modeled after the Chateau Amboise in France, which was the home of Mary, Queen of Scotch, a whisky made from water and barley, which were both created by God. Hence, Philadelphia is God’s favourite city.
M. Night Shazamalone is the writer, director and producer of the most brilliant and blatant rip-offs of Alfred Hitchcock ever set to film. These include The Sixth Cent (the movie about that boy who sees dead Presidents on his pocket change and has a big twist at the end), Unwatchable (the movie featuring Bruce Willis as an emotionless android whose circuitry will malfunction if he gets wet, Samuel L. Jackson as an angry black man and a big twist at the end) and Sighs (in which Mel Gibson doesn't torture Jesus, Joaquin Phoenix isn't his more-talented-while-dead-brother River and a big twist surfaces at the end). M. Night Shyamalan was raised in the suburbs of Philadelphia and films all of his movies in the surrounding area. The big twist? We're not going to end with a joke.
Terrell Owens a giant crybaby that does not deserve to play for the NFL...hanceforth he is currently playing for the feminine Dallas Cowgirls.
The Mayor of Philadelphia is John Street. He is not a street as his name would imply, but a person. However, an actual street would probably do a better job running the city than this excuse for a mayor.
Tony Hawk can often be seen in downtown Philadelphia, in that one park with all the statues in it. He boardslides around on telephone lines and does manuals through the subway station instead of walking like a normal person. You can trip him, but you're gonna get hurt.
Aquaman is the most metrosexual member of the Justice League of America. A native of the posh Grays Ferry section of town, he ritually disbands himself once a year, on Groundhog Day.
Mike Rawch is the assistant work manager at Big Crauch's Homeware Depot.
That one homeless guy that bums you for change. Trust me, he's pretty prominent. And there's more than one of him. Much, much more. Usually African-American, though the Caucasian ones are usually even freakier-looking. Missing all or more teeth. Never satisfied with the money you give him.
Neighborhoods
Philadelphia is a city of neighborhoods. This may account for the racial violence that is exhibited from time to time.
Center City
Center City is home to many thriving shops.
If you want a smaller version of one of New York's many shopping districts than look no further! Clothing store after clothing store, you'll never have a problem finding clothes! This section of the city was once very rundown, however real estate is now booming and everyone wants condos! You know Liberty Tower, those two huge blue buildings synonymous with Philadelphia's skyline? They are built on the remains of a porn theatre. Liberty Tower is great for anyone who wants to buy clothes, or eat in a food court. Center City is now stigmatized as being a "rich neighborhood" because its been cleaned up a lot since the 1980s and everyone wants REAL ESTATE! The Rittenhouse Square area, for example, is extremely expensive. Fifteen years ago, Rittenhouse Square was a place you'd go if you had a fetish for being beaten up and mugged, or if you made a living panhandling while pretending to be disabled. Now, you go to Rittenhouse Square if you want to eat in an overpriced outdoor restaurant and sneer at people walking on your sidewalk. Damn pedestrians. The area is also popular for weird 20 year olds who stand around trying to get people to vote or join their commune. They'll ask your age and when you say that you aren't 18 they'll call bullshit and ask for the year you were born. Unless you're a math whiz, or actually are under 18, you won't be able to answer immediately because you'll be trying to calculate a year which works. When travelling around Center City it is best to have a year already planned in the back of your head.Center City is a great place to visit if you like rich snobs, clothing stores, and large buildings. (NB - If you plan to stay longer than 20 minutes be sure sure to carry excessive amounts of cash with you because you will invariably be taxed or fined for something)
South Philadelphia
Have you ever watched The Sopranos and thought to yourself, "Wow it would be so awesome to be in the Mafia!" Well then head down to South Philly. Every single Italian stereotype is pulled from there, or Brooklyn, the Bronx, or North Jersey. Now you can be around authentic REAL Italians with tough accents! Imagine that! Yous all could be actin tuff in da neighborhood wit da fam'ly! Get some pizza and cheesesteaks to top it off! Get some "wooder" to wash it down! Your suburban WASP friends will never believe you. Home to a massive open-air market where you can buy, among other things, live goats.
Topics not suggested for discussion:
Italian ethnic slurs
(Your Favorite Team) is better than the Eagles.
Unions aren't all that great.
Have you ever watched any movies or music videos about gangstas and thought to yourself, "Wow it would be so awesome to be in a gang surrounded by daily violence!" Well then head down to South Philly west of Broad Street. You'll find too much of it. Point Breeze makes North Philly look like a nice suburban neighborhood in comparison.
Art Museum Area
This area includes the Art Museum. Look around for a bit, it looks a lot like a certain French city. The Parkway which leads all the way up to the Art Museum, is shamelessly ripped off of Paris' Champs-Élysées. Around the area are many other museums as well. Why is the area famous? For starters, Rocky immortalized it by running up the steps of the Art Museum. Also Live 8 was held there. Behind the Art Museum is the Schuylkill River, where people row and ride their bikes. Of course riding your bikes on the bike path next to the river is only recommended if you enjoy other cyclists who don't understand the concept of "family bike path" and how it differs from a "race." Also you may need to have a high tolerance for people who simply don't understand that the term "bike path" actually implies bikes are permitted to be ridden. If you plan to drive to Plymouth Meeting along a Skuylkill River highway, make sure it's not at quitting time on a Friday. Especially if your dad is driving you to a date that was just moved to the Plymouth Meeting Mall at the last second, but that was full so they moved it to the "great" northeast.
North Philadelphia
What's there to say about North Philadelphia? It successfully became synonymous with black people and it's now the area you don't want to park you car in or drive through at night all. Since Philadelphia police laugh hysterically when people get mugged, Temple University must maintain its own air force and army to protect its students from the hostile gang members. That's the city of Brotherly Love for you.
The typical North Philadelphia house has distinctive wooden boards over the windows, holes in the roof to let in the breeze in place of air conditioning (and guess what? There's no carbon footprint!), and has not been inhabited since the time when Sylvester Stalone was actually considered cool. And that's just North Philadelphia west of Broad St. You should see the scary neighborhood east of Broad St.
Kensington
Okay, I've lied. North Philadelphia is not only synonymous with black people. It is also synonymous with Irish people. Kensington Avenue (especially where it meets Alleghany Avenue) is a great place to pick up hookers. Or get shot. Watch out for the angry drunk Irishmen and Puerto Ricans there. Aren't we a great city? Stereotypes, sex and violence. In defense of North Philadelphia, those Center City minivan moms can get pretty violent as well. Along with those Mercedes driving rich guys who nearly hit me that one time because they don't understand the concept of a traffic light.
Fishtown
Originally named for the distinct rotten fish smell that permeates the area, Fishtown is now the "Up and Coming" neighborhood of Philadelphia. It's called that because when you get there, you're "coming up" on Kensington, and it's about time to turn around before you get shot. Fishtown strives to be Northern Liberties, a bustling neighborhood full of artists, bars, and empty blocks. In that respect, it's doing pretty well, except it doesn't have any artists. Until then, Fishtownies can continue to tell everyone how much it's "up and coming", because nobody will know they're lying, since nobody has any good reason to go to Fishtown anyway.
Port Richmond
The Little Poland of Philly.
Strawberry Mansion
The most misnamed place in all of creation. There is neither mansions nor strawberries here. This rough North Philly neighborhood only contains tears and fears.
City Hall and the Gallery
City Hall and the surrounding areas are a commonplace for everyone. Subways, people, everyone bustling around, it's one of those places where a lot of people end up. A lot of stores are around along with some hotels. The stores are generally Dunkin Donuts, department stores, jewelry stores, or stores which sell brands of clothing such as Rocawear and Sean Jean. Stolen, or fake jewelry is abundant on the street along with real jewelry in the stores. This area is also home to The Gallery, a big urban mall where it's common to hangout. Only instead of it being a hangout for suburban private school students, it's where public school students from all over come to gather. The Gallery, like most malls, drains you of your serotonin level when entered, but it is quickly regained when you realize you won't be around a bunch of annoying white, gothic, suburban, teenage mallrats. It also helps that there's a GameStop. This is also where Love Park is, you know the place where people skateboard. Or used to. The sport was killed by the government and the year 2000.
Many decry the fact that it was the MOVE cult headquarters that was bombed from the air and not the gallery. Current proposals to seal the Gallery an hour after school lets out and flood the entire building with nerve gas are being considered...but the city's already blown its budget for mass murder of its own citizens, so it's a distant shot.
Chinatown
The place where millions of Asians don't get the fuck out of your way.
Right nearby the Gallery and its surroundings is Chinatown. Philadelphia's Chinatown makes Denver's Chinatown look like St. Paul's Chinatown!! What makes Chinatown that good? Two words: Wing Wang's Peking Duck House (9th and Winter, right near the Vine St Expressway). Well that's five words but most people only refer to it as Sang Kee so you can keep your comments to yourself. Also it's just a cool place to get imported Asian things, Like syphilis. Or opium. Yay opium! Now with a booth in the Reading Terminal Market.
Chinatown is an excellent place to poison yourself because your drunk, incapable of making informed decisions regarding what you're eating and Chinatown has the only places open.
University City
Contrary to popular belief, University City does not actually exist. The area known as University City is just a small area of West Philly under the marketing spell of big-money educants. The main campuses of University of Pennsylvania and Drexel University are located here. There are a bunch of things you might expect to find at a college campus such as food courts, tennis courts, bookstores, and movie theatres. There is also a place where you can buy cereal, only cereal. Now that's clever and alternative enough to attract preppy college kids - oh and lets not forget the stoners who have the munchies and thick wallets!
West Philadelphia
Unique for having been bombed from the air by the city government in 1985 (this is actually true), West Philadelphia is famous for being the home of the University of Pennsylvania and the birthplace of Will Smith and Wilt Chamberlain. The local diet consists of halal, cheesesteaks, and babies. Visiting is not recommended due to a very high probability of getting shot, raped and murdered.
The Great Northeast
One can only assume that this "neighborhood" was named out of sarcasm. If you go out far enough, this looks like some run down blue collar suburb. But it isn't a blue collar suburb, it's the Northeast. It's a fun place to drive to if you feel like a nice one hour drive to somewhere not even outside of your own city. Otherwise known as the "N'East" by residents or ex-residents. The neighborhood is also known as "N'Easty", a word denoting a propensity for comfort with strip malls, bleak futures, row-homes, and winding, unnavigable roads.
Northeast Philadelphia frequently discusses breaking away from Philadelphia proper, making it the Quebec of Southeastern Pennsylvania.
The Northeast's primary product is boredom and a crippling inferiority complex regarding its relation to the rest of the city, i.e the parts someone gives a shit about.
The Northeast is also home to many, many upstanding policemen who were chosen to be among Philly's finest for their aptitude at being white guys from the Northeast.
Mt. Airy
Mount Airy is famous for being the third most Jewish place on Earth, and created quite a stir a few years back when it actually seceded from the union to join Israel. Famous for having fairly large, nice houses with two kitchen sinks, one for meat, one for dairy products. Home to a few nomadic tribes of black people. Also home to a trolley car diner, which is quite nice if you happen to be a connoisseur of deep-fried rat.
Germantown
Psssst--There are no Germans here! Yes, they were forced out when North Philadelphia invaded circa 1967. This neighborhood is one of the nicer residential options for black people, as it has a nice big park where people still occasionally come across skeletons and unexploded ordinance left over from the American Revolution. It is also home to those Jews who for whatever reason do not live in neighboring Mount Airy. Home to more Nation of Islam Mosques than Las Vegas is home to Casinos.
Chestnut Hill
The WASP capital this side of Nantucket. Chestnut Hill is home to several crazy old street people, many more wealthy alcoholics, gourmet dog food stores, bead shops, used record places, tiny family-owned grocery stores, coffee shops, and 97 places to cash a check. The rowhouses are all several centuries old, and the other houses are all the size of a small village.
Old City
Also spelled Olde City by pretentious mispellers, this is the area of Philadelphia where everything historical seems to have occured. Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell are located here. There are plenty of small shops, museums and historical sites to visit and a fun day can be had by all, old and young, in this area. Of course that was before the day would be spent waiting in more lines than Disneyland due to newfound security measures in place. Now it's just boring. There are horses though, with carriages. This is amazingly awesome the first time you see it. Then it's just another site, with the added bonus that it produces feces capable of being stepped in. The most famous resident is the legendary guy-who-dresses-up-as-Benjamin Franklin.
Society Hill
This is a fairly upper middle class neighborhood near Old City and The Gallery area. Its unnatural darkness at night, illuminated only by yellow street lamps is enough to give someone the creeps and haunt their dreams. Brick is the building material and mugging weapon of choice in this area. At the southern end of this district they have erected a gate ostensibly to keep out the residents of the rest of the city. The Inscription above the gate reads "Here thar be yuppies" in olde yuppish (latin).
South Street
What can be said about South Street? It's a place you can walk around and buy stuff. This is one of the only places in the city where you run a pretty low risk of getting shot and bumrushed, since the city's abundant deranged violent crackheads are scared off by local Starbucks, yoga shops, rastas, and all that other sissy stuff. Besides, the emo alternative goths or whatever the fuck are real wusses, despite their "badass" tattoos and collars and the rest of Hot Topic products. This relative safety ("relative" is as good as it gets anywhere in Philly) has resulted in making the place one of the city's most popular tourist destinations. Now your choices on items include tattoos, CDs, sex toys, wiccan paraphernilia, skateboards, alternative clothing, and yogic knick-knacks. At night you can get drunk at the bars, and meet beautiful women. It's Philadelphia's mainstream fauxhemian area. There is also frequent flashers, mooners, and sunners. South Street also has the city's highest concentration of cops, since here they are almost safe from being shot at, slept on, bitten and/or begged for change.
2nd Street
Also known as Two Street. If you call it 2nd street, you're a terrorist. Quite popular with out-of-towners for its convenient existence as I-95.
Unconventional traffic laws
Traffic "laws" in Philadelphia are the barest of guidelines. The drivers are so free spirited that every traffic light comes with printed instructions (Wait for Green). Pedestrians are fair game (but only in crosswalks anywhere on the road).
Drivers will either a) steadfastly refuse to turn right on a red signal (if you are behind them) or b) ignore the signal altogether and cruise right on through (if doing so would put them in your path). They might honk while doing this, so as you are crushed beneath the wheels of a 1992 Honda Accord with a smashed headlight and no muffler don't say you weren't warned.
The solid white lines that delimit the shoulder in most jurisdictions have a different meaning in the Philadelphia area. Here, they indicate convenient (possibly even paved) extensions of turning lanes (kids: check your mirrors before entering the real turning lane!), an extra passing lane to get around those pesky conformists during rush hour (3am to midnight), or the "thrill zone" where you can play "chicken" with merging traffic.
Road lines are only a reminder of the direction the road is going. Drivers are encouraged to drift across the road heedlessly in order to cut time from their trips.
Stop signs are optional. Rolling through stop signs at speeds of up to 20mph is called the South Philly Slide or Philly Roll.
Left turn lanes can be used as passing lanes when a light first turns green.
When traffic is backed up due to an accident, it is suggested that drivers use sidewalks as they see fit.
Roosevelt Boulevard, or "da bull'vard," is an every-man-for-himself free-for-all. You are encouraged to drive as fast as the laws of physics will allow and never stay in the same lane for more than 3.8 seconds. If you fail to drive in all six lanes in the direction you are going you are sent to driving hell, also commonly called Boston. Also, just because there are concrete islands dividing the six lanes in each direction does not mean you can't drive on them. If the boulevard is backed up and you find yourself in the middle lanes, you are encouraged to drive across the island to get to the outer lanes and attempt to circumvent said traffic jam, only to find yourself back on the boulevard a block further.
It's called Kelly Drive. Get over it.
Transportation
SEPTA
SEPTA (from Greek sēptikos, ‘rotten’; capitals officially endorsed for emphasis) is the public transportation system of Philadelphia. Their slogan has been 'Just Getting There' for 40+ years and there are no foreseeable plans to change it, as they are still just getting there. To where, well, not even they know. SEPTA also doubles as the city's sewer system.
SEPTA controls the city's homeless population, buses, trolleys, major business conglomerates, Man Man, subways, scrapple production, and some trains. SEPTA services usually travel at a decent walking pace. They have built their successful business on raising fares (fares have been known to increase during a trip, requiring an additional payment before they'll let you off unless they don't feel in the mood and just let you go without a word) and not stopping to pick up those pesky passengers. SEPTA passengers are commonly referred to as "mass murderers". SEPTA doesn't really exist other than in an alternate dimension as depicted in David Lynch's Dumbland. Often the punchline of the joke, "What's red, white, and blue and smells like black people?"
Most historians agree that SEPTA was created by Joseph Stalin in order to cripple America's industrial capacity.
Amtrak
Amtrak operates the Northeast Corridor, one of the busiest passenger rail services in the United States. It is by far the fastest and most efficient transportation service availible, but because of its insanely high prices, it is only used by rich people, tourists, and complete idiots. The concessions are so expensive, Amtrak stopped accepting dollars and now only excepts payments in lumps of gold. It costs one lump of gold to get bottled water, two and a half lumps of gold to get a hot dog, and six lumps of gold to get a sandwich which wasn't stepped on by a commuter. That's just the prices at 30th Street Station, and the prices on the trains are nearly triple! Amtrak releases the aroma of baked goods such as brownies and muffins into trains until passengers have no choice but to submit to the high prices. Thankfully, the train fares aren't anywhere as expensive as the food. Amtrak has recently unveiled its Price by Speed Plan, in which it charges 10$ for people to board its trains, then forces passengers to each pay another 10$ to go 5 miles per hour faster.
Soon, Amtrak will be unveiling its Price by Weight Plan, in which it will charge people extra money for being overweight. Amtrak will also include exercise bikes on its trains, which will help people lose weight and generate power for the train at the same time. The plan has attracted the attention of major airlines, which say they might implement the plan if it is successful.
Taxis
Taxis in Philadelphia are never there when you need one, but otherwise all around.. kind of like New York. Unlike New York, no prerecorded voice talks to you when you enter the cab, there is a 50% chance the driver won't have a prominently displayed cab driver certificate, there are no seat belts, and the meters are almost always rigged. Also, unlike New York, the taxis aren't prominent and yellow but come in all sorts of color schemes, each one resembling a police car more than actual Philly police cars do. This is done in order to create a stronger visual police presence in the city that could seriously use some more law enforcement.
Recently, credit cards were introduced as a method of payment in all medallion cabs. However, none of the credit card machines work. Experts believe this is the sole cause for Philadelphia's rapidly climbing murder rate.
An interesting phenomenon has developed where a taxi-passenger can have a developed conversation with a taxi-driver, for an extended period of time, but after asking the driver "can I use my credit card" the driver will astonishingly forget all but the mother tongue. Possibly related to taxi-drivers pronounced fear of paying taxes.
Timewarp
Old City is a section of Philadelphia that emulates the old days of the nation's birth canal, in labor (see Neighborhoods, above). By entering Old City, you are actually entering a timewarp. By travelling through time you can transend space by perambulating yourself into the future at another point. So if it's May 24th, 2006 and you enter Old City you go back to May 24th, 1770. Because of this you have 236 years to get wherever you are going, until you catch up with the future and time works normally again. However, this is still faster than taking SEPTA to the desired destination. Unfortuantly the only way out of Old City that doesn't send you back to current time/space is with horsedrawn carriages. The driver, as you travel through time on an intergalactic historical timeway, will describe everything of historical signifigance which can take almost 90% of the time available. Lunches should be packed.
Fun Facts
Post-Katrina New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin was quoted as saying, "Let me tell you something: Ya'll outa go to Philly, and you will appreciate how clean New Orleans is. Just go and walk around Philly a little bit, and you will appreciate - am I lying? You will appreciate New Orleans. We still have some work to do, but we definitely beat them by a long shot." Sadly, this is a true story.
Philadelphia-based pop duo Darryl Hall and John Oates consummated their relationship in a Temple University service elevator. This homosexually charged act inspired their hit single, Maneater.
For some reason, people live in Philadelphia. This is in spite of the fact that the air is not breathable by any living organisms, and the Starship Enterprise (D) lost the last four away teams that they sent there.
Philadelphia, unlike other Northeastern cities, has its own very odd climate, with two seasons: dead of winter and fucking hot. Winters are known to dump over 20 feet of snow on the city, which is especially liked by the penguins, but during summer, temperatures rise into the lower 500's. The penguins aren't happy about the fact that it isn't "dry heat" either.
Philadelphia was known world-wide as "The City of Brotherly Smells" until Chairman John Street changed the city's slogan to "The City That Shoves You Back, and then Ruins the City", most likely to distract the populace from any one of a number of pay-to-play scandals. The natural odor of Philadelphia is like that of partially-digested pizza, flavored with urine, multiplied through all possible dimensional overtones until it becomes, in effect, a universe of its own. The smell of the public transit system (appropriately called SEPTIC) is strong enough to melt time.
Bostonians are generally much less educated than Philadelphians. As well as sentence fragments.
Philadelphians are fuelled solely by various forms of grease siphoned from the excretions of cheesesteaks, scrapple, Tastykakes, Crown Fried Chicken, and the back alleys of Chinatown. Estimated daily usage is 15,000,000 tons of grease.
Philadelphia gave up its title of 'Fattest City' for the title of 'City With Highest Murder Rate.'
The Schuylkill Expressway is known as the world's largest parking lot.
Most Philadelphians refer to the subway as the el.
It is believed that when Sun Ra died, his spirit was divided and scattered about the streets during the night, allowing for the city's homeless population to feed upon the pieces and become the race of psychotics most of them are today.
People to move in with if things don't go well in Philadelphia
Your Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air
The Denver Nuggets
The Detroit Pistons
The Dallas Cowboys
The St. Louis Cardinals and then the Toronto Blue Jays
The Phoenix Suns
The New York Mets
The Jacksonville Jaguars
Metropolitan area
Camden, New Jersey
As abyssmally shitty as North and West Philly may be, Camden, which is directly across the Delaware from Philly, out-sucks Philadelphia by being essentially an entire city consisting of nothing but The Hood. Venturing outside the Camden Green Zone is NOT recommended. Camden's government, which is comparable to that of Venezuela or Nigeria, consists entirely of suspected crime bosses and drug cartels. They get reelected by bribing police to arrest anyone who opposes them, and teaching propaganda in schools. The average life expectancy in Camden is on par with Darfur, Haiti, and the nastier parts of Alabama.
It's rumored that Camden was built so Philadelphia had some place to look down on however this cannot be verified due to the fact that Camdens City Fathers are actually deadbeat dads and cannot be located.
Wilmington, Delaware
If you thought Delawarte had nothing but a bunch of rednecks and hillbillies, you're totally wrong! Delaware also has black people, and many of them live in Wilmington. Wilmington can be accessed by SEPTA regional rail, but since the service is so darn slow, passengers from Philadelphia usually die of boredom from sitting in the train long before they reach Wilmington.
The Main Line
The buildings are less run-down in suburban areas.This is where the city meets the suburbs. When you cross over to suburbia, be prepared for a total drop in serotonin levels. This is the realm of the American middle class zombie. Why would people live in such depressing conditions? The theory is that they've lived there so long that they cannot escape it's sugarcoated grasp. However it is doubtful that they enjoy it any more than outsiders due to the large amount of drug consumption. Watch out for:
Lacrosse moms
Bumper stickers proclaiming My Episcopal and or Jewish honor student has a higher SAT score than your Episcopal and or Jewish honor student
Parents with pseudo-liberal views who love minorities but would never send their kid to a school with one
Limos
Businesses that claim to be "a target" but clearly have no affiliation with the superstore
Three movie theaters that nobody goes to
A giant white cross, possibly representative of the skin color of the locals
Use of "rich kid" drugs such as cocaine and American Express Black Cards.
Parental denial of drug and alcohol usage and unnatural fear of urban environment due to rumored marijuana usage and minorities
French Nannies
Lawns
Severe depression
People who go to Haverford and Bryn Mawr.
Lancaster
Thar be Amish here! The highways have low speed limits and designated lanes for horse-and-buggies. If you wish to travel through this county, a solid grasp of German is highly recommended. (If you manage to communicate successfully with the Amish, you can expect unspeakably good pretzels and PA Dutch poontang :D
Delco and Chester city
A mostly blue collar county just southwest of the city, Delaware County is slightly depressing. From the working class, middle class, and blue collar towns like Upper Darby, Springfield, and Ridley, to the straight-up 'hood city of Chester (which is probably worse than North Philly as far as murder per population) to the somewhere in-between town of Darby, Delaware County isn't exactly one of the most prestigious "suburbs." People in Delco are the ones who built the houses in the MontCo and Chester County and the rest of the Main Line. However, Delco has its perks. It's a brotherly sort of place, and there's a 43:1 ratio when it comes to bars to librarys. Future site of the Philadelphia soccer team.
I take no responsibility for the content listed above. I like to think i'm excersizing my right to free speech on the blogosphere. if you are offended by or think any of the above is not funny (i already did a little editing) go fix it.
All in all, our tour guide's law suit was covered in newspapers all across the country. On the bright side, at least we're in the news for something other than our murder rate.
In next weeks installment, look for insider information on the engagement of Ben Franklin to Betsy Ross.
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